following the natural course of balance

okay.
"good" side/"bad" side for everything.
yet nothing ultimately matters, even though everything matters...
and in sensing the shadows of Truth in those statements, despite the sweet comfort they offer, there is no solace from that eternal confusion and struggle that plagues/enriches mortal existence.
the fucking balance of every goddamn thing.
because now, my being seems to be in a relatively constant state of rest, to varying degrees depending on what my stimulation is.
now i think, "no matter what i do, the Whole will benefit from my existence, even if i lie in bed for the rest of my life, because my experience of that is wholly unique and thus beneficial for the advancement of awareness/knowledge/understanding of this Immortal experiment of mortality."
well, fine, but i'm also incredibly lazy and i'm excellent at rationalizing all my infinite procrastinations.
so i stop pushing myself, i turn my brain to energy-save and just kind of exist... which has its benefits, i suppose, but i do have a(n) (increasingly distant) ultimate dream, and energy-save isn't really working hard enough, or in the right direction, to accomplish much of anything.
then i realized the alternative path is to attempt to experience in a highly unique way, to seek out enrichment, enlightenment, and to fulfill dreams... i don't want to contribute a drop to the eventuality, something that just confirms something already known, test tube A, just like all the others. but i want to change something, or contribute to the Whole a completely new facet of reality.
obviously i can't accomplish this goal trundling around like a zombie.
but it feels so good to be lazy!! i adore sleeping. and, like the best friend it is, sleep gave me the answer (of course it did.)!
i dreamed of a wise ancient guy who looked kind of young on the outside, standing with me in a dim stone room, his enlightenment was pulsing in his aura so powerfully, anyone could feel it. i asked him, "what is the key to surviving the suffering of life, and to, in spite of/despite/because of this suffering, achieve an eternally enlightened state, youthful and healthy and contentedly, constantly mentally stimulated by choice?"
and he said, 'take one thing at a time. avoid being stressed over the entirety and take everything step by step, always seeking more.'
well, that sounds good to me, so i'm going to try that.
like usual, after i started writing--say, 10 sentences-i start feeling anxious about it and slightly shameful, as though talking about myself makes me self-centered in a bad way, something something... but i fought through it and here i am, with a much shorter scrollbar.
but now i'm tired again, so goodnight.

well well well

every time i'm faced with this foreboding empty box of text my brain freezes.
my life is... blank, there's that brain-freeze again. i'm just coming up with nothing, despite feeling creative juices trickling through me. everything is trite and contrived, in my mind even it sounds like some gothic teenage cliche. as i sit here drinking my heavily sugared coffee and smoking my third cigarette of the past half hour at 5:30am... yes. i never completely abandoned that old self.

people are too caught up with the concept of self. understandably so. but what is so scary about the idea that there's no solid 'self', that we're just swirling around constantly changing and morphing to fit whatever situation we find ourselves in?
people seem to want to hold on to some essence of immortality, something of themselves that's constant, unchanging. some fear of being so malleable, so ever-changing, so impossible to completely comprehend? i suppose it makes sense, but it's still a silly thing to fear.
acceptance feels so much better.
it allows me to finally feel the layers of existence, especially the layers of each and every idea, how there really is no right or wrong, just action and reaction and the meticulous inscription of that relationship on the memory of Eternity. that is, nothing matters in a 'lawful' sense, but everything matters in a universal sense, because i feel the goal of the Whole is to seek ultimate knowledge/awareness/Truth so that anything experienced is valuable to the overall experiment.

we're the experiment, but We're also the Scientist. it just depends on the scope of the perspective.

because of that, We don't begrudge Our mortal subjects their positive or negative reaction to this or that stimulus, We are interested to observe any and all actions and reactions.

i do kind of sound like some freaky scientologist. i fucking swear that's not what i've been practicing in my long absence.

the closer i get to my own truth, the further i fall from society

i was going to compose a long and eloquent body, but i lost my ambition and all incentive, instead found myself somewhat disappointed in myself that i was, again, attempting to justify myself instead of just accepting the way things are. always comparing, trying to figure it out, trying to force it to make sense in my admittedly meager, conscious, mortal mind. there is so much i cannot know for certain, it's almost like knowing nothing at all.

accepting that, all i can really hold onto is what i sense. not even what i see, or what i hear, but what my entirety whispers to me, through all the layers of ignorance. even though that as well may not be what i think, it's the closest i can come to certainty. and as a human, i seem intrinsically geared towards holding on to SOMETHING to keep from... who knows? insanity perhaps. death. or INhumanity.

the difficult part of this acceptance of intuition is that it is (as far as i can see) heavily (if not entirely) born of my own life's experiences. knowing that my experiences vary so radically from everyone else's, that all our lives are held together by our humanity and yet so completely separate in their uniqueness... a constant reminder that there is no discernible objective ANYTHING, much less truth.... well, i'm not sure what exactly this awareness does to me, but i have a feeling it's something nervous and anxious and doubtful and timid.... ah,but then i suppose this is the balance maintained.

ka like a wind.

the study of contradictions within myself is endlessly frustrating.

i had a thought the other day... considering the guilt i overwhelm myself with on a regular basis comes largely from the ideal, standardized 'me' i feel society assigns to me, and the myriad ways in which i'm not fulfilling it-- because it isn't me, and in not embracing the standard, i feel as though i'm a disappointment to those who know me. A looming trait which seems to constantly cast its shadow on me is that of laziness. I've always been chided for my lack of any real discernable action, and it had me thinking the other day... its exhausting inside my head, and suffering through this mentality every second of every day leaves me with a nearly complete lack of energy to complete other mundane tasks. I'm so focused on those things that deeply matter, that I can't seem to find a way to convince myself to gain enough ambition to accomplish the tasks i find largely unimportant (tho they remain important to most). So i appear lazy, when in my mind I feel anything but. The guilt plagues me still, though i'm working through it. It's my life. I don't want to feel guilty because I'm not living up to others' expectations of me. Fuck them. I'm doing it my way, it's the only way i'll ever hope to find peace.

funny how much apprehension clouds reality.

I've never had to make a decision like this before. Being forced to lose someone on account of them, well, dying... that's a lot different because I had no choice, there were no options besides getting over it and living my life (eventually). But completely stripping someone's presence from my life, someone whom i still care deeply for... that's completely new to me, and in a whole other realm.

The interesting thing is...

While I thought that, in a way, it would be harder than death because with this, I still love someone while also knowing that they're going about living their lives happier without me. For some reason I thought that would cripple me, but instead, I find it's not nearly as hard as I'd imagined. It's still something I wish I never had to go through, it's still incredibly shitty... but initially I neglected to realize the fact that it's easier because I've already rationally decided cutting Jon out is for the best, and I've been spending the past few weeks preparing myself emotionally for it. Instead of feeling depressed because we're now living separately from each other, I find myself feeling glad that I was strong enough to act on my decision, and glad that we're finally able to potentially be happy, because being involved with each other in any capacity seems to ultimately destroy us individually and as a pair.

I feel much lighter, less laden with guilt and regret... I feel more in control of my life and freer to live it the way I choose, without having to constantly worry how it's affecting Jon.

I still wish it hadn't had to be this way...
obviously.

sigh

for some reason coming up with post titles makes me feel uneasy. slightly anxious. i was supposed to create a list of boundaries to help with me becoming more emotionally independent. but this task makes me feel anxious and at the same time slightly numb and very sleepy, even more so than trying to create a nice crisp little title.

my mind has a multi-faceted quality, each facet naturally affecting the elements of other facets...i'm feeling today both clear-headed and calm, simultaneously blending with sharp spikes of apprehension, anxiety, negativity and doubt. i can't discern any depression in the mix, moreso i'd say it looks like confusion.

there's a frenetic sort of internal energy, pulsating through me, burning through. the best thing i can liken it to is being strung out on coke. sure, there's energy. all i feel is energy. but its not all directed at one thing, it's scattered everywhere and i can feel each individual tendril of its essence. each tendril isn't just an approximation of an emotion, or a neutral expression of feeling... each tendril is pulsing with life of its own, thriving at one end or the other of the massive spectrum that exists in human emotion.

so i'm feeling everything, all at once, to summarize nicely. but how can i possibly describe something so complex and purely intense in just a few short, succinct phrases? how is that enough to make you understand what it is within me, that you can never see because of all the infinite facets that obstruct your view from the truest thing within. even i cannot see that core. no matter how much i search the emotions in myself, i can still only feel it. i cannot explain it. i can't explain using the language my subjective mind speaks to itself in, i certainly can't put it into any english knowing that not only did someone else who lived a different life under a different set of ideals create these words for me to use in approximation to what the true meaning actually IS, but also knowing that most people when listening to someone talk, take what they feel is important from it--based on their history, their makeup, their beliefs and predjudices, and then make an assumption based on something that isn't as much you as it is them looking at a projected image of themselves. to use words in an attempt to gain true understanding, i will fail.

this poses a problem, because i base much of my survival on the skills i have in language. as long as i can write something down, or express it properly, i feel there is some order. otherwise, my mind is like what it truly is, a whole bunch of fucking quarks and atoms and particles swirling around in a chaotic yet somehow intelligently-designed mess. as if my thoughts and emotions are all assigned to a particular atom, then set free. all those atoms are vibrating or doing whatever it is atoms do at intense speed, swirling about and never still.... all at the same time, all at the same frequency, all observed by ME, and i recognize this must be the pattern that defines my being, because i'm searching deep into the CORE of my entire self... and this is very disconcerting. because at this intensely deep level, i'm observing that whatever order is obviously being adhered to here, it is being accomplished without any influence (it seems) from my conscious mind at all. I'm observing myself being something wholly without control, something dependent completely on the consequences in a long chain of events coming directly from however atom #5,890 is responding to his particular location at a particular moment in time.

it makes me wonder... realizing how limited I (when i speak of 'i' i'm speaking of the 'i' that i am conscious of. i am speaking of the whole of my consciousness, but i cannot speak for what is beyond that) am, that the real "me" is simply consciousness itself, because whatever I recognize i'm recognizing within the limitations of consciousness. So its still only consciousness. I know there is more, intelligence and open-mindedness allow me to feel more deeply the weight of the 'outside-consciousness' (this being not only subconsciousness, but any other processes that i cannot be consciously aware of.... ), but i cannot reside in that state for long. the fact that my conscious mind is stationed on this particular level (this level being littered with the seemingly unnecessary desires of the world-materialism, greed, superficiality, ignorance, etc) seems to mean that while it can stand to explore a deeper level, a level beyond conscious, it does not remain there long. after searching in and feeling the atoms and observing all that i just observed, i feel exhausted. devoid of energy. calm, balanced. no longer frenetic. i feel relaxed.

for whatever reasons, this world and all the things i cannot understand about it (such as our adherence to such meaningless materialism, ignorance, superficiality), has a significant purpose in whatever expansion (or implosion) we're a part of. If it didn't, we wouldn't have our consciousness on this level. It may be on a deeper one instead, perhaps a level more focused on Truth. Our beings seem to depend on deeper stimulation, which is how it is for me searching deep within, sinking down to a level that feels like pure energy encased in an infinite, comforting darkness, but at the same time, our present-spacetime reality reels us back because whatever it is we're supposed to be doing, we're supposed to be doing it HERE. within the realm of THIS CONSCIOUSNESS.
searching deeper comforts us with love, balance, awareness, and gives us the depth and empathy and worldliness needed to survive in this particular consciousness, but its like prepping for battle. when we search thru the deeper layers for comfort, enrichment, balance, hope, love, etc, it's as if we're assembled in the castle, putting on our armor and shouldering our weapons for the coming battle. but we must always leave the castle, we must always wind up on the battlefield--we must always die on the battlefield. we're pulled back there as tho preprogrammed to do so, as if we understand that the purpose of our particular conscious existence lies somewhere on this battlefield. but we must always take the time to regroup within the safe walls of the castle again, there must be a balance... but the purpose lies out here.

It's much easier to expand my self until i'm speaking for all that has ever or will ever exist in the universe and reach exciting conclusions than it is to stay on track with myself and decipher the confusion within. it's simply because i can simplify the universe (because i'm further away from its core Truth and am not privy to understand its inner workings, and anything simplified looks immensely easy. i cannot simplify my own conscious mind because i feel all of its internal workings, i am conscious of being relatively nearby to its 'core' (relative in that what im conscious of is very very far removed from the Truth of, say, the universe), especially with how deeply meshed it is with my subconscious mind... there is much i can feel, but there is nothing i can express save for a more objective sort of description of it. its frustrating to be unable to express myself to myself, to be able to fully feel something, but because its felt so deeply and in such a meaningful way, my consciousness can find no words to properly describe it, and i'm left searching wildly for something that fits. i hate doing disservice to my emotions and non-worded thoughts by attempting to describe them using a severely retarded system, so i feel guilty. as though i've done something awful, but i feel i have. i haven't correctly described what it is i'm trying to convey, and that does a disservice to it and thus to myself, and to anyone else i'm describing it to, because now that its been delivered poorly, they have a misconceived notion about what "it" actually is.

the only way i manage to get by is to surround myself with people i don't have to really TALK to. unless its this type of talking, because that gives some order to insanity, or the type of exchanges jon and i have, because its a pure expression of whatever emotion is being felt and its being received (most times) in the exact way it was meant to be delivered. i need people to look me in the eyes, and let me exist there. I need to feel the energy surrounding them, the aura and presence. I try to calm myself by turning into a little conscious zombie, sort of shutting down processes and giving all the internal stuff time to reconfigure. the problem with that is, that stage has been going on for awhile, my mind is on overdrive, my external processes are so goddamn slow.

I am equally frustrated and fascinated by nearly every position of existence.

And this writing has exhausted me.

I never accomplished the one task i set out to do when i began typing. my boundaries.

well i know what they are. i need to be on my own. i need to live alone as soon as it's financially possible. i need to spend the majority of a week alone. i need to rely more on myself for the comfort i seek. i need to stop engaging in relationship-esque activities when i truly just need to be single. i need to track EACH and every emotion (that's in regard to others) diligently for a month. Until that month is up, I'll try to maintain strict boundaries, and if at the end of it i still feel a particular way, then i'll consider acting on it.

there. i could have accomplished my little duty in one simple paragraph, instead i gave you an essay about the truth of man.

there's a quote by gnarls barkley i'm really fond of, because it sounds like a description of how i feel inside, and consequently, who i am:

I could paint a picture with a pen
But a song will only scratch the skin
And there are still places I haven't been
Because I know what's in there is already in the air

Oh yeah, there's a storm on the way
And it's comin' no matter what I say
(And I come, I come, I come, I come)

Hey, hey, hey, there's truth in the thunder
Love in the lightning, the feeling is frightening
Yeah, isn't it exciting?
I'm something like stormy weather
If I weren't we would never
Huddle together, do I have to tell you
That I'm also the sunlight, that shines shortly after?
I just rain cause I have to, on to another chapter
I wish you lots of laughter
Til the next time you see me
Just remember you need me, I'm the storm coming
(And I come, I come, I come, I come)

Run towards the hills to avoid the high flood
I can do a dance that'll make the sky cry blood
Skills provoke, and seals will be broken open
All that's left to do is try my love

When I sing it's a cyclone
I'm writing a raging sea
Searching for a sign of life
Is it safe to say it's me?
Listen to our lives
The wind will whisper the way it is
I am going to happen, what a lovely day it is
Don't ask why
Just live, and, die

the frustration occurs, naturally.

the frustration exists...
because how is it possible to reconcile the differences between an acute awareness of the reality within myself and the inherent discrepancy that exists,which prevents me from being able to fully adhere myself to this routine structurized existence that is America, or even more unfortunately, perhaps the entire modernized world?

the contradictions battling for dominance in my mind seem to encompass most all personally known emotions/thoughts/beliefs/etc. but the most currently prevalent seem to be:

.the feeling that i would be better suited if i were able to exist free of these chains, that the longer i remain bound by them the more dispirited i will become. the idea that something greater exists and much more powerful, but that i'm expected to finish school, work within the system. the concept that with time, i will be able to create a more personalized, well-fit reality for myself, but until that point i am confined to this prison.

.the fact that i do not feel necessarily -better- than anyone else, just that i feel i'm more aware of a wider spectrum of the facets constituting existence. i feel i have a more inherent sense of Truth, and a more passionate adherence to an honest, open, non-biased perception of myself and my world. based on my own mentality and events which occur to me, i sense in myself a very powerful purpose, however grandiose that may sound. yet. my age, my gender, my lack of objectively credible "experience", my past fuck-ups... push me down. force me to attempt to thrive in this sub-par environment. lackluster society. bullshit ideals.

.with the knowledge that i have borderline personality disorder, i've begun to recognize the frightening fact that i am not able to fully trust myself, as one ideally is able to do. due to how easily i embrace a specific emotion, and how i can convince myself and others of its purity, coupled with how easily the emotion can do a 180 and leave me confused and frustrated and a catalyst of pain and distrust for those i love, i'm unable to believe myself on anything that has significant relevance.

.at any moment in time, i'm feeling extremes of most emotions i can imagine myself having. i can see all aspects of any argument, any feeling, any thought or belief. i can recognize most all facets to these things, and while there is some worth in that, the fact that i myself can have no true convictions lends itself to certain consequences such as an inability to maintain any solid ground to stand on for any extended period of time. often i feel lost, confused, frustrated, and occasionally paralyzed by the weight of all this. because i can't make any solid decisions on anything (how can i when i know that i don't know much at all and can't possibly think i could ever know the absolute Truth of anything, therefore how could i say something is a fact for certain?), i float around in a sea of extremes, confusions that i'm unable to contain in any manageable compartments. i grasp at the loose ends, but the connections elude me.

in any event, this has been a portion of my brain. i hope that you enjoyed it.