following the natural course of balance

okay.
"good" side/"bad" side for everything.
yet nothing ultimately matters, even though everything matters...
and in sensing the shadows of Truth in those statements, despite the sweet comfort they offer, there is no solace from that eternal confusion and struggle that plagues/enriches mortal existence.
the fucking balance of every goddamn thing.
because now, my being seems to be in a relatively constant state of rest, to varying degrees depending on what my stimulation is.
now i think, "no matter what i do, the Whole will benefit from my existence, even if i lie in bed for the rest of my life, because my experience of that is wholly unique and thus beneficial for the advancement of awareness/knowledge/understanding of this Immortal experiment of mortality."
well, fine, but i'm also incredibly lazy and i'm excellent at rationalizing all my infinite procrastinations.
so i stop pushing myself, i turn my brain to energy-save and just kind of exist... which has its benefits, i suppose, but i do have a(n) (increasingly distant) ultimate dream, and energy-save isn't really working hard enough, or in the right direction, to accomplish much of anything.
then i realized the alternative path is to attempt to experience in a highly unique way, to seek out enrichment, enlightenment, and to fulfill dreams... i don't want to contribute a drop to the eventuality, something that just confirms something already known, test tube A, just like all the others. but i want to change something, or contribute to the Whole a completely new facet of reality.
obviously i can't accomplish this goal trundling around like a zombie.
but it feels so good to be lazy!! i adore sleeping. and, like the best friend it is, sleep gave me the answer (of course it did.)!
i dreamed of a wise ancient guy who looked kind of young on the outside, standing with me in a dim stone room, his enlightenment was pulsing in his aura so powerfully, anyone could feel it. i asked him, "what is the key to surviving the suffering of life, and to, in spite of/despite/because of this suffering, achieve an eternally enlightened state, youthful and healthy and contentedly, constantly mentally stimulated by choice?"
and he said, 'take one thing at a time. avoid being stressed over the entirety and take everything step by step, always seeking more.'
well, that sounds good to me, so i'm going to try that.
like usual, after i started writing--say, 10 sentences-i start feeling anxious about it and slightly shameful, as though talking about myself makes me self-centered in a bad way, something something... but i fought through it and here i am, with a much shorter scrollbar.
but now i'm tired again, so goodnight.