well well well

every time i'm faced with this foreboding empty box of text my brain freezes.
my life is... blank, there's that brain-freeze again. i'm just coming up with nothing, despite feeling creative juices trickling through me. everything is trite and contrived, in my mind even it sounds like some gothic teenage cliche. as i sit here drinking my heavily sugared coffee and smoking my third cigarette of the past half hour at 5:30am... yes. i never completely abandoned that old self.

people are too caught up with the concept of self. understandably so. but what is so scary about the idea that there's no solid 'self', that we're just swirling around constantly changing and morphing to fit whatever situation we find ourselves in?
people seem to want to hold on to some essence of immortality, something of themselves that's constant, unchanging. some fear of being so malleable, so ever-changing, so impossible to completely comprehend? i suppose it makes sense, but it's still a silly thing to fear.
acceptance feels so much better.
it allows me to finally feel the layers of existence, especially the layers of each and every idea, how there really is no right or wrong, just action and reaction and the meticulous inscription of that relationship on the memory of Eternity. that is, nothing matters in a 'lawful' sense, but everything matters in a universal sense, because i feel the goal of the Whole is to seek ultimate knowledge/awareness/Truth so that anything experienced is valuable to the overall experiment.

we're the experiment, but We're also the Scientist. it just depends on the scope of the perspective.

because of that, We don't begrudge Our mortal subjects their positive or negative reaction to this or that stimulus, We are interested to observe any and all actions and reactions.

i do kind of sound like some freaky scientologist. i fucking swear that's not what i've been practicing in my long absence.