funny how much apprehension clouds reality.

I've never had to make a decision like this before. Being forced to lose someone on account of them, well, dying... that's a lot different because I had no choice, there were no options besides getting over it and living my life (eventually). But completely stripping someone's presence from my life, someone whom i still care deeply for... that's completely new to me, and in a whole other realm.

The interesting thing is...

While I thought that, in a way, it would be harder than death because with this, I still love someone while also knowing that they're going about living their lives happier without me. For some reason I thought that would cripple me, but instead, I find it's not nearly as hard as I'd imagined. It's still something I wish I never had to go through, it's still incredibly shitty... but initially I neglected to realize the fact that it's easier because I've already rationally decided cutting Jon out is for the best, and I've been spending the past few weeks preparing myself emotionally for it. Instead of feeling depressed because we're now living separately from each other, I find myself feeling glad that I was strong enough to act on my decision, and glad that we're finally able to potentially be happy, because being involved with each other in any capacity seems to ultimately destroy us individually and as a pair.

I feel much lighter, less laden with guilt and regret... I feel more in control of my life and freer to live it the way I choose, without having to constantly worry how it's affecting Jon.

I still wish it hadn't had to be this way...
obviously.