sigh

for some reason coming up with post titles makes me feel uneasy. slightly anxious. i was supposed to create a list of boundaries to help with me becoming more emotionally independent. but this task makes me feel anxious and at the same time slightly numb and very sleepy, even more so than trying to create a nice crisp little title.

my mind has a multi-faceted quality, each facet naturally affecting the elements of other facets...i'm feeling today both clear-headed and calm, simultaneously blending with sharp spikes of apprehension, anxiety, negativity and doubt. i can't discern any depression in the mix, moreso i'd say it looks like confusion.

there's a frenetic sort of internal energy, pulsating through me, burning through. the best thing i can liken it to is being strung out on coke. sure, there's energy. all i feel is energy. but its not all directed at one thing, it's scattered everywhere and i can feel each individual tendril of its essence. each tendril isn't just an approximation of an emotion, or a neutral expression of feeling... each tendril is pulsing with life of its own, thriving at one end or the other of the massive spectrum that exists in human emotion.

so i'm feeling everything, all at once, to summarize nicely. but how can i possibly describe something so complex and purely intense in just a few short, succinct phrases? how is that enough to make you understand what it is within me, that you can never see because of all the infinite facets that obstruct your view from the truest thing within. even i cannot see that core. no matter how much i search the emotions in myself, i can still only feel it. i cannot explain it. i can't explain using the language my subjective mind speaks to itself in, i certainly can't put it into any english knowing that not only did someone else who lived a different life under a different set of ideals create these words for me to use in approximation to what the true meaning actually IS, but also knowing that most people when listening to someone talk, take what they feel is important from it--based on their history, their makeup, their beliefs and predjudices, and then make an assumption based on something that isn't as much you as it is them looking at a projected image of themselves. to use words in an attempt to gain true understanding, i will fail.

this poses a problem, because i base much of my survival on the skills i have in language. as long as i can write something down, or express it properly, i feel there is some order. otherwise, my mind is like what it truly is, a whole bunch of fucking quarks and atoms and particles swirling around in a chaotic yet somehow intelligently-designed mess. as if my thoughts and emotions are all assigned to a particular atom, then set free. all those atoms are vibrating or doing whatever it is atoms do at intense speed, swirling about and never still.... all at the same time, all at the same frequency, all observed by ME, and i recognize this must be the pattern that defines my being, because i'm searching deep into the CORE of my entire self... and this is very disconcerting. because at this intensely deep level, i'm observing that whatever order is obviously being adhered to here, it is being accomplished without any influence (it seems) from my conscious mind at all. I'm observing myself being something wholly without control, something dependent completely on the consequences in a long chain of events coming directly from however atom #5,890 is responding to his particular location at a particular moment in time.

it makes me wonder... realizing how limited I (when i speak of 'i' i'm speaking of the 'i' that i am conscious of. i am speaking of the whole of my consciousness, but i cannot speak for what is beyond that) am, that the real "me" is simply consciousness itself, because whatever I recognize i'm recognizing within the limitations of consciousness. So its still only consciousness. I know there is more, intelligence and open-mindedness allow me to feel more deeply the weight of the 'outside-consciousness' (this being not only subconsciousness, but any other processes that i cannot be consciously aware of.... ), but i cannot reside in that state for long. the fact that my conscious mind is stationed on this particular level (this level being littered with the seemingly unnecessary desires of the world-materialism, greed, superficiality, ignorance, etc) seems to mean that while it can stand to explore a deeper level, a level beyond conscious, it does not remain there long. after searching in and feeling the atoms and observing all that i just observed, i feel exhausted. devoid of energy. calm, balanced. no longer frenetic. i feel relaxed.

for whatever reasons, this world and all the things i cannot understand about it (such as our adherence to such meaningless materialism, ignorance, superficiality), has a significant purpose in whatever expansion (or implosion) we're a part of. If it didn't, we wouldn't have our consciousness on this level. It may be on a deeper one instead, perhaps a level more focused on Truth. Our beings seem to depend on deeper stimulation, which is how it is for me searching deep within, sinking down to a level that feels like pure energy encased in an infinite, comforting darkness, but at the same time, our present-spacetime reality reels us back because whatever it is we're supposed to be doing, we're supposed to be doing it HERE. within the realm of THIS CONSCIOUSNESS.
searching deeper comforts us with love, balance, awareness, and gives us the depth and empathy and worldliness needed to survive in this particular consciousness, but its like prepping for battle. when we search thru the deeper layers for comfort, enrichment, balance, hope, love, etc, it's as if we're assembled in the castle, putting on our armor and shouldering our weapons for the coming battle. but we must always leave the castle, we must always wind up on the battlefield--we must always die on the battlefield. we're pulled back there as tho preprogrammed to do so, as if we understand that the purpose of our particular conscious existence lies somewhere on this battlefield. but we must always take the time to regroup within the safe walls of the castle again, there must be a balance... but the purpose lies out here.

It's much easier to expand my self until i'm speaking for all that has ever or will ever exist in the universe and reach exciting conclusions than it is to stay on track with myself and decipher the confusion within. it's simply because i can simplify the universe (because i'm further away from its core Truth and am not privy to understand its inner workings, and anything simplified looks immensely easy. i cannot simplify my own conscious mind because i feel all of its internal workings, i am conscious of being relatively nearby to its 'core' (relative in that what im conscious of is very very far removed from the Truth of, say, the universe), especially with how deeply meshed it is with my subconscious mind... there is much i can feel, but there is nothing i can express save for a more objective sort of description of it. its frustrating to be unable to express myself to myself, to be able to fully feel something, but because its felt so deeply and in such a meaningful way, my consciousness can find no words to properly describe it, and i'm left searching wildly for something that fits. i hate doing disservice to my emotions and non-worded thoughts by attempting to describe them using a severely retarded system, so i feel guilty. as though i've done something awful, but i feel i have. i haven't correctly described what it is i'm trying to convey, and that does a disservice to it and thus to myself, and to anyone else i'm describing it to, because now that its been delivered poorly, they have a misconceived notion about what "it" actually is.

the only way i manage to get by is to surround myself with people i don't have to really TALK to. unless its this type of talking, because that gives some order to insanity, or the type of exchanges jon and i have, because its a pure expression of whatever emotion is being felt and its being received (most times) in the exact way it was meant to be delivered. i need people to look me in the eyes, and let me exist there. I need to feel the energy surrounding them, the aura and presence. I try to calm myself by turning into a little conscious zombie, sort of shutting down processes and giving all the internal stuff time to reconfigure. the problem with that is, that stage has been going on for awhile, my mind is on overdrive, my external processes are so goddamn slow.

I am equally frustrated and fascinated by nearly every position of existence.

And this writing has exhausted me.

I never accomplished the one task i set out to do when i began typing. my boundaries.

well i know what they are. i need to be on my own. i need to live alone as soon as it's financially possible. i need to spend the majority of a week alone. i need to rely more on myself for the comfort i seek. i need to stop engaging in relationship-esque activities when i truly just need to be single. i need to track EACH and every emotion (that's in regard to others) diligently for a month. Until that month is up, I'll try to maintain strict boundaries, and if at the end of it i still feel a particular way, then i'll consider acting on it.

there. i could have accomplished my little duty in one simple paragraph, instead i gave you an essay about the truth of man.

there's a quote by gnarls barkley i'm really fond of, because it sounds like a description of how i feel inside, and consequently, who i am:

I could paint a picture with a pen
But a song will only scratch the skin
And there are still places I haven't been
Because I know what's in there is already in the air

Oh yeah, there's a storm on the way
And it's comin' no matter what I say
(And I come, I come, I come, I come)

Hey, hey, hey, there's truth in the thunder
Love in the lightning, the feeling is frightening
Yeah, isn't it exciting?
I'm something like stormy weather
If I weren't we would never
Huddle together, do I have to tell you
That I'm also the sunlight, that shines shortly after?
I just rain cause I have to, on to another chapter
I wish you lots of laughter
Til the next time you see me
Just remember you need me, I'm the storm coming
(And I come, I come, I come, I come)

Run towards the hills to avoid the high flood
I can do a dance that'll make the sky cry blood
Skills provoke, and seals will be broken open
All that's left to do is try my love

When I sing it's a cyclone
I'm writing a raging sea
Searching for a sign of life
Is it safe to say it's me?
Listen to our lives
The wind will whisper the way it is
I am going to happen, what a lovely day it is
Don't ask why
Just live, and, die