the frustration occurs, naturally.

the frustration exists...
because how is it possible to reconcile the differences between an acute awareness of the reality within myself and the inherent discrepancy that exists,which prevents me from being able to fully adhere myself to this routine structurized existence that is America, or even more unfortunately, perhaps the entire modernized world?

the contradictions battling for dominance in my mind seem to encompass most all personally known emotions/thoughts/beliefs/etc. but the most currently prevalent seem to be:

.the feeling that i would be better suited if i were able to exist free of these chains, that the longer i remain bound by them the more dispirited i will become. the idea that something greater exists and much more powerful, but that i'm expected to finish school, work within the system. the concept that with time, i will be able to create a more personalized, well-fit reality for myself, but until that point i am confined to this prison.

.the fact that i do not feel necessarily -better- than anyone else, just that i feel i'm more aware of a wider spectrum of the facets constituting existence. i feel i have a more inherent sense of Truth, and a more passionate adherence to an honest, open, non-biased perception of myself and my world. based on my own mentality and events which occur to me, i sense in myself a very powerful purpose, however grandiose that may sound. yet. my age, my gender, my lack of objectively credible "experience", my past fuck-ups... push me down. force me to attempt to thrive in this sub-par environment. lackluster society. bullshit ideals.

.with the knowledge that i have borderline personality disorder, i've begun to recognize the frightening fact that i am not able to fully trust myself, as one ideally is able to do. due to how easily i embrace a specific emotion, and how i can convince myself and others of its purity, coupled with how easily the emotion can do a 180 and leave me confused and frustrated and a catalyst of pain and distrust for those i love, i'm unable to believe myself on anything that has significant relevance.

.at any moment in time, i'm feeling extremes of most emotions i can imagine myself having. i can see all aspects of any argument, any feeling, any thought or belief. i can recognize most all facets to these things, and while there is some worth in that, the fact that i myself can have no true convictions lends itself to certain consequences such as an inability to maintain any solid ground to stand on for any extended period of time. often i feel lost, confused, frustrated, and occasionally paralyzed by the weight of all this. because i can't make any solid decisions on anything (how can i when i know that i don't know much at all and can't possibly think i could ever know the absolute Truth of anything, therefore how could i say something is a fact for certain?), i float around in a sea of extremes, confusions that i'm unable to contain in any manageable compartments. i grasp at the loose ends, but the connections elude me.

in any event, this has been a portion of my brain. i hope that you enjoyed it.