okay.
"good" side/"bad" side for everything.
yet nothing ultimately matters, even though everything matters...
and in sensing the shadows of Truth in those statements, despite the sweet comfort they offer, there is no solace from that eternal confusion and struggle that plagues/enriches mortal existence.
the fucking balance of every goddamn thing.
because now, my being seems to be in a relatively constant state of rest, to varying degrees depending on what my stimulation is.
now i think, "no matter what i do, the Whole will benefit from my existence, even if i lie in bed for the rest of my life, because my experience of that is wholly unique and thus beneficial for the advancement of awareness/knowledge/understanding of this Immortal experiment of mortality."
well, fine, but i'm also incredibly lazy and i'm excellent at rationalizing all my infinite procrastinations.
so i stop pushing myself, i turn my brain to energy-save and just kind of exist... which has its benefits, i suppose, but i do have a(n) (increasingly distant) ultimate dream, and energy-save isn't really working hard enough, or in the right direction, to accomplish much of anything.
then i realized the alternative path is to attempt to experience in a highly unique way, to seek out enrichment, enlightenment, and to fulfill dreams... i don't want to contribute a drop to the eventuality, something that just confirms something already known, test tube A, just like all the others. but i want to change something, or contribute to the Whole a completely new facet of reality.
obviously i can't accomplish this goal trundling around like a zombie.
but it feels so good to be lazy!! i adore sleeping. and, like the best friend it is, sleep gave me the answer (of course it did.)!
i dreamed of a wise ancient guy who looked kind of young on the outside, standing with me in a dim stone room, his enlightenment was pulsing in his aura so powerfully, anyone could feel it. i asked him, "what is the key to surviving the suffering of life, and to, in spite of/despite/because of this suffering, achieve an eternally enlightened state, youthful and healthy and contentedly, constantly mentally stimulated by choice?"
and he said, 'take one thing at a time. avoid being stressed over the entirety and take everything step by step, always seeking more.'
well, that sounds good to me, so i'm going to try that.
like usual, after i started writing--say, 10 sentences-i start feeling anxious about it and slightly shameful, as though talking about myself makes me self-centered in a bad way, something something... but i fought through it and here i am, with a much shorter scrollbar.
but now i'm tired again, so goodnight.
20080315
well well well
every time i'm faced with this foreboding empty box of text my brain freezes.
my life is... blank, there's that brain-freeze again. i'm just coming up with nothing, despite feeling creative juices trickling through me. everything is trite and contrived, in my mind even it sounds like some gothic teenage cliche. as i sit here drinking my heavily sugared coffee and smoking my third cigarette of the past half hour at 5:30am... yes. i never completely abandoned that old self.
people are too caught up with the concept of self. understandably so. but what is so scary about the idea that there's no solid 'self', that we're just swirling around constantly changing and morphing to fit whatever situation we find ourselves in?
people seem to want to hold on to some essence of immortality, something of themselves that's constant, unchanging. some fear of being so malleable, so ever-changing, so impossible to completely comprehend? i suppose it makes sense, but it's still a silly thing to fear.
acceptance feels so much better.
it allows me to finally feel the layers of existence, especially the layers of each and every idea, how there really is no right or wrong, just action and reaction and the meticulous inscription of that relationship on the memory of Eternity. that is, nothing matters in a 'lawful' sense, but everything matters in a universal sense, because i feel the goal of the Whole is to seek ultimate knowledge/awareness/Truth so that anything experienced is valuable to the overall experiment.
we're the experiment, but We're also the Scientist. it just depends on the scope of the perspective.
because of that, We don't begrudge Our mortal subjects their positive or negative reaction to this or that stimulus, We are interested to observe any and all actions and reactions.
i do kind of sound like some freaky scientologist. i fucking swear that's not what i've been practicing in my long absence.
my life is... blank, there's that brain-freeze again. i'm just coming up with nothing, despite feeling creative juices trickling through me. everything is trite and contrived, in my mind even it sounds like some gothic teenage cliche. as i sit here drinking my heavily sugared coffee and smoking my third cigarette of the past half hour at 5:30am... yes. i never completely abandoned that old self.
people are too caught up with the concept of self. understandably so. but what is so scary about the idea that there's no solid 'self', that we're just swirling around constantly changing and morphing to fit whatever situation we find ourselves in?
people seem to want to hold on to some essence of immortality, something of themselves that's constant, unchanging. some fear of being so malleable, so ever-changing, so impossible to completely comprehend? i suppose it makes sense, but it's still a silly thing to fear.
acceptance feels so much better.
it allows me to finally feel the layers of existence, especially the layers of each and every idea, how there really is no right or wrong, just action and reaction and the meticulous inscription of that relationship on the memory of Eternity. that is, nothing matters in a 'lawful' sense, but everything matters in a universal sense, because i feel the goal of the Whole is to seek ultimate knowledge/awareness/Truth so that anything experienced is valuable to the overall experiment.
we're the experiment, but We're also the Scientist. it just depends on the scope of the perspective.
because of that, We don't begrudge Our mortal subjects their positive or negative reaction to this or that stimulus, We are interested to observe any and all actions and reactions.
i do kind of sound like some freaky scientologist. i fucking swear that's not what i've been practicing in my long absence.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)