20070416
the study of contradictions within myself is endlessly frustrating.
i had a thought the other day... considering the guilt i overwhelm myself with on a regular basis comes largely from the ideal, standardized 'me' i feel society assigns to me, and the myriad ways in which i'm not fulfilling it-- because it isn't me, and in not embracing the standard, i feel as though i'm a disappointment to those who know me. A looming trait which seems to constantly cast its shadow on me is that of laziness. I've always been chided for my lack of any real discernable action, and it had me thinking the other day... its exhausting inside my head, and suffering through this mentality every second of every day leaves me with a nearly complete lack of energy to complete other mundane tasks. I'm so focused on those things that deeply matter, that I can't seem to find a way to convince myself to gain enough ambition to accomplish the tasks i find largely unimportant (tho they remain important to most). So i appear lazy, when in my mind I feel anything but. The guilt plagues me still, though i'm working through it. It's my life. I don't want to feel guilty because I'm not living up to others' expectations of me. Fuck them. I'm doing it my way, it's the only way i'll ever hope to find peace.
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of course, it is possible that i am just purely lazy, and it is probable that i simply dislike constant busy-bee-ness, and it's beyond likely that i enjoy life most when i'm able to be still, whether that stillness comes from sleep or painting or reading or writing or sitting by the lake in complete silence.
that's the reality, the rest is speculation, i don't know if my laziness stems from extreme mental activity or some character trait of mine that is without real basis.
the conclusion remains the same. learn to accept, when i try to be something different, i am frustrated and dirty.
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