the study of contradictions within myself is endlessly frustrating.

i had a thought the other day... considering the guilt i overwhelm myself with on a regular basis comes largely from the ideal, standardized 'me' i feel society assigns to me, and the myriad ways in which i'm not fulfilling it-- because it isn't me, and in not embracing the standard, i feel as though i'm a disappointment to those who know me. A looming trait which seems to constantly cast its shadow on me is that of laziness. I've always been chided for my lack of any real discernable action, and it had me thinking the other day... its exhausting inside my head, and suffering through this mentality every second of every day leaves me with a nearly complete lack of energy to complete other mundane tasks. I'm so focused on those things that deeply matter, that I can't seem to find a way to convince myself to gain enough ambition to accomplish the tasks i find largely unimportant (tho they remain important to most). So i appear lazy, when in my mind I feel anything but. The guilt plagues me still, though i'm working through it. It's my life. I don't want to feel guilty because I'm not living up to others' expectations of me. Fuck them. I'm doing it my way, it's the only way i'll ever hope to find peace.

funny how much apprehension clouds reality.

I've never had to make a decision like this before. Being forced to lose someone on account of them, well, dying... that's a lot different because I had no choice, there were no options besides getting over it and living my life (eventually). But completely stripping someone's presence from my life, someone whom i still care deeply for... that's completely new to me, and in a whole other realm.

The interesting thing is...

While I thought that, in a way, it would be harder than death because with this, I still love someone while also knowing that they're going about living their lives happier without me. For some reason I thought that would cripple me, but instead, I find it's not nearly as hard as I'd imagined. It's still something I wish I never had to go through, it's still incredibly shitty... but initially I neglected to realize the fact that it's easier because I've already rationally decided cutting Jon out is for the best, and I've been spending the past few weeks preparing myself emotionally for it. Instead of feeling depressed because we're now living separately from each other, I find myself feeling glad that I was strong enough to act on my decision, and glad that we're finally able to potentially be happy, because being involved with each other in any capacity seems to ultimately destroy us individually and as a pair.

I feel much lighter, less laden with guilt and regret... I feel more in control of my life and freer to live it the way I choose, without having to constantly worry how it's affecting Jon.

I still wish it hadn't had to be this way...
obviously.